so sometimes i start to feel like i need to create. it's such a strong urge, like i don't know how to explain it.
suddenly, i'll just be doing pottery, making cheese, making a sourdough starter, planting a garden, coding a website, doodling in my notebooks, making lists, i just can't stop.
there are probably worse things to notice. it's not bad, even. i will be able to make sourdough in less than a week and i have fresh cheese ready to go.
when my pottery dries and i can do the next paint layer, i'll have a really cute trinket bowl. even though its so wonky and beginner level.
unrelated, but i got sucked into looking at art by yuko tatsushima again. specifically, ikeda coffin. the faces on the women grieving the dead body at the wake are kind of ingrained in my mind forever.
i have books to read but i sneak away from these obligations to look at art and read a little poetry. [all night I hear the noise of water sobbing.] by alejandra pizarnik causes an image to be stained in my mind without even showing me an image. i think that poem kind of does the same thing as the piece of art.
i've been staring at so much code recently, i wonder if poetry
is some sort of sibling to code or from an entirely different culture entirely.
because it could definitely be either.
opposites that are also the same (i read something like that when i read the cyborg manifesto.)
i keep thinking about haunted houses recently. maybe it's because i've been
way too into horror content lately. like - horror manga, horror yt videos, horror novels, horror movies.
so i think back to times i felt i was haunted by ghosts or monsters.
which time was the scariest, i wonder.
was it the shadow that crawled from the hallway into my room and leaned over me while i was in bed?
oh, maybe it was the weird grudge-like noise that used to come from the attic while the ceiling tiles moved like someone was walking around up there.
maybe it was the shadow my mother saw watching me from the window.
or the tapping outside on the window when my cousin and i were alone.
birth dad says a demon posessed him when i was born, mom says a spirit approached her when she was pregnant.
mom mentions a babysitter i had that used to look after me who passed away.
maybe its your gardian angel - shadow-cloaked and terrifying.
i think i've always been cursed.
something else is that i always dream of houses but they're always these abandoned houses with weird, hidden rooms i have go find for some reason.
and im always moving into these houses, my eyes starry as if they saw some sort of potential in the wreckage.
or im packing up someone else's house. looking at all the things they left behind. maybe they haunt the house as i go through their things, whispering secrets to me.
me and my friends used to explore abandoned buildings a lot, so often they started to feel like home.
i'm not really sure where this blog post is going. it's more of a test of length, allowing me to ramble a bit.
i don't think this means anything.
so i finally actually made the site. it's a mash of templates and code and blinkies and various resources from across the internet and that in itself makes me feel like i'm in 2005.
this is more of a test post, just to see how things look on the website. i don't know what exactly i want to do here, yet.
mostly just a place to store all of my interests, art, etc for now.
if you're reading this i think that means something. maybe we're starcrossed souls or something. who knows. but i'll continue working on this tomorrow. ✦